i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Damn victory sex feels great
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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