She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
