my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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