So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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