I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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