So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
