I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I will pee on everything he values.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
