I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
