i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
