When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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