you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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