DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
