So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
