he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
