I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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