I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
