Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
