Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
