Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
