How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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