Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
