Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
