I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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