next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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