her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
