I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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