Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
