he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
