whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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