this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
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he quoted the bible to break up with me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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