you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
