Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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