If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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