I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
