I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
