Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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