i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
