I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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