Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
