There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
