i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
