either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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