How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
