i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
