Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
