We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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