Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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