well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
