You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
