I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
