Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
