I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
