Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
