I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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