Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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