The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
