so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
