So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
